If anyone's been reading, you may have seen in the last few posts that life has been getting the better of me a bit. Ups and downs, mostly with CW and his various issues. But also myself, struggling to find time for school and wondering if I even care.
Then it occurred to me. For about the past two years I've been sort of deluding myself, and lots of other people as well, into thinking that I have a passion to pursue a career in court reporting. Why yes, it did sound good at the time, back when I was researching possible career options instead of my dreadful past job in advertising. But now? Not so much. For some yes, it can be a lucrative, flexible career...IF you can get up to speed. However...with the limited time and let's face it, limited motivation I put into it...I was NEVER going to get there.
But here's the thing. Even if I did put my heart and sole into it for another year or maybe two and actually got fast enough....do I really think I'd actually enjoy court reporting as a career? I used to think so, but now...again, not so much. I did (and do) think that if I was able to get fast enough and get enough reporting experience that then a career as a broadcast captioner would be extremely cool...however...seriously, to get to that point...you need years of experience as a court reporter first to even be considered for such positions. And I just don't think I have it in me to put that much more into it anyway since I don't really love it.
So I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I've sunk many hours - though not nearly enough to actually get anywhere - into learning to be a stenographer. And also sunk a fair bit of cash. And time and tears. But do I want to sink yet more into something I'm not even sure I want to do? I hate to be a quitter and maybe that is why I've even held on this long. But I think it may be time to cut further losses and move on.
Here's the thing though. If I quit school, I will be JUST a mom. For the past two years when people ask what I do I've been able to say I'm a mom, AND a student. And for some reason even though I didn't care a whit about school it made me feel better to add that "and".
I know right? Being a mom is the hardest, most thankless and demanding job there is. I don't belittle ANYONE else for being just that at all so why can't I bear the thought of being JUST that myself? I have been trying to tell myself that it isn't just that I worry about what others think of me, though really, I do, even though it is sooo sooo stupid and pointless to let that influence you in any way. But also, I care what I think. And my family of course. Will they respect me any less? They say they won't but do they mean it? Why do I have so much doubt and feel like I'm dissapointing everyone, especially myself? I'm doing the most important job in the world. I have to come to terms with that and let that BE enough. For now. Of course there is a lot of doubt now about what I will do in a year, maybe two when I may HAVE to earn some money and now if I quit school....who knows how I will do that if I don't want to go back to the dreaded world of advertising. But I need to not worry about that right now.
What I need to do now is just BE a mom. And be proud of it. There.
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