Like I said, life's a little roller coaster-ish right now. Yesterday was a really down day. CW bit a teacher and broke the skin THROUGH HER COAT!!! I was mad and upset and frustrated and just didn't know what to do. Thankfully the person he bit was very understanding and said "at least it wasn't another kid". But yeah...still didn't feel too good about things. What set him off you ask? Apparently a kid in grade one asked CW if he was in grade 3. The HORROR!!! (He's in grade 4 in case you didn't know) I can sort of get why he'd be mad. He's the small kid and maybe a little insecure about his maturity. So he pinched the kid's cheek. So a teacher who knows CW's tendency to flip out, stepped in to try to prevent the situation from escalating, and so he got mad at her instead and took a chomp on her arm. I just thought we had made some headway. I mean, yes, he has been known to exhibit such horrendous behaviour on occasion at home with me or other close family members, but he hasn't had an episode like this at school in nearly two years.
Luckily the school acknowledged that he has been so much better lately and this hopefully is an isolated incident. I also reassured them that we are continuing with behaviour therapy - we started one group yesterday - as well as meds, which ahem...may need some dosage adjustments. But ugh. What a crappy day it was. At least until we got to the behaviour group. We got a binder of information about what they will be teaching with the kids and if they are successful in teaching him all that it contains, well that would be just wonderful. But that's a BIG IF. There is a lot in there about listening and paying attention to others, self calming, thinking before acting, handling insults and many more useful life skills which CW has not managed to really pick up just yet. I highly doubt he can get all this from a six week course that's 1 1/2 hours once a week....but hey, if he can improve just a little in any of these areas it would certainly make life run a lot more smoothly.
But while I had almost two hours to kill while CW was at his group, I had just enough time to throw myself a little pity party. I felt a bit alone because while I know I have a lot of friends, I just often feel like there is no one I can call and really talk to and get honest opinions from and well, just vent and you know, get some sympathy too maybe? I did actually call a friend, who I've known for a long time and is a great girl, and I just really wanted a shoulder to cry on. I was supposed to meet her for coffee and she bailed on me. I know she had a good reason and it shouldn't have been a big deal, but at the time I just felt so just alone. So I called her to talk on the phone since she couldn't make it in person, and I just felt like she really didn't have time and wanted to get off the phone. I'm sure she had legit reasons that have nothing to do with me but at the time it just made me feel worse. I was so upset about CW's situation at school. And then there's the whole thing of my school. Yeah. That.
So the thing is, I think I may be ready to throw in the towel. I have tried and quit so many things in my life that I was so determined not to give up on this. Especially after all the time - almost 2 years part time - and money - way too much to admit - that I and my family that has been so supportive, have sunk into this crazy idea I had of becoming a court reporter. It seemed so fabulous at the time. Well the idea of it did anyway. The learning part was part time at my own pace so I could spend time with the kids and be flexible and all that. And if I actually learned to steno at the required crazy fast speeds that you need to be able to do to work in the business, I could also have a flexible relatively well paying job.
Here's the big BUT. I really do not enjoy the steno. Sitting at the machine is boring and frustrating beyond belief and it hurts my back and arms and hands. Also, after two years of practicing, I'm only at about HALF the speed I would need to be at to actually work in the business. Sure, if I put my whole heart into it for another year or two MAYBE I could get there. But I just don't think I have it in me to do it. And the kicker is, even if I somehow did, the more I learn about what the jobs are like that I'd get.....the more I think I'd actually hate it. So yes, it is a waste of the time and money I've already spent....but I think it may be the time to say, the hell with it, and stop the bleeding.
But if I stop....I will be JUST a mom. Yeah I know, being a mom is the hardest job there is. I don't look down on anyone who does that because I truly know it is crazy thankless hard work, but for some reason I'm struggling with the idea of having to say to people when they ask what I'm doing that I'm a stay at home mom. At least for the past two years I've had confidence when telling people I'm a mom, but also a student, as if that somehow validated my staying home with the kids and not working at some high powered job that I used to see myself having at my age.
My age is another thing. Maybe this is a midlife crisis because I'm quickly approaching the big 4-0. Yikes. But hey, if that's what it is, I guess I'm right on schedule.
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