I really can't believe tonight is Christmas Eve!! We are ready...well as much as one can be! Gifts are wrapped (and hidden). Bags are packed - to go to another two Christmas celebrations tomorrow after gifts at home. And I'm at home with CW while the huz finishes up a few things at work with AK in tow (and along with portable DVD player to watch Ariel if she gets bored).
The end of this year has really snuck up on me. Maybe it's because we went away in early December and then it seemed like all of a sudden the holiday season was here. I don't know...but it seemed pretty rushed! It's been a year of ups and downs. I quit my job and became a part time student and am now able to enjoy more time with my kids. CW finished grade 1 and started grade 2...and that has brought with it some behavioural challenges...that we continue to work on. AK left her old daycare and started junior kindergarten. She was also potty trained and is also about to give up her nighttime pullup so we'll be done with diapers for good...yeeehawww! So all in all it's been a pretty eventful year. Also thankfully a healthy one.
We've had varying degrees of success so far with the new poker chip economy that we've instituted with CW. He earns them for good behaviour...and spends them for priveledges that he wants. He seems pretty motivated which is good - but so far...well his behaviour when he's faced with a "no" is still...well pretty atrocious. Had to drag him out of Disney on ice halfway through the other day because he was having a fit over not buying anything. It wasn't pretty. There was kicking, and yelling and biting. But he got a talking to and some time out...and here's hoping he learned from the experience. I know a few poker chips and timeouts can't solve anything...and there's more help coming his way soon...but it is certainly helping us manage in the short term.
As for the longer term....on Jan 7th, CW is being evaluated at his daycare by another agency. I'm really feeling good about that because the daycare where he goes after school is one of the places where his most aggressive behaviour tends to occur. I hate to say it but I kind of hope that he's having one of his bad days the day that they come, because if they see him at his most charming - like during the last assessment we went to...well I'm not sure how much they'll feel that he needs help.
The other agency we went to did call us back. As expected, they said that play therapy is likely more effective for behaviour issues than talk therapy for his age. And of course...there's at least a 6 month wait period for that. So what can you do. At least we're on the list, and hopefully the other agency through the daycare will come through in a more timely way. In the meantime...well it's poker chips.
Just want to say Merry Christmas to anyone reading!!! And all the best for 2010. 2010!!! That seems so way off in the future and I can't believe it's here. It seems like so recently we were all about the year 2000 and Y2K and all that much ado about nothing.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The Sound of Music and my baby is 4
Has it been that long? I just realized when blogger made me sign in that this is my first post since I've gotten my brand new laptop! Got a great deal on in in Florida because we were there shortly after thanksgiving when all the sales were still on. Which is good because my old one completely died right before we went away. Right in the middle of my Monday night class. You know, the one I cut my Florida trip with my family short so that I could go? Yeah that one, that ended up being totally unproductive and I might as well have been in Florida? Yup. But it's probably just as well, because I had a Law terminology midterm the day before we left, and even though I wrote it online...chances are I may have failed had I had to write it in Florida...or chances are I may have forgotten about it entirely. Anyway...all's well that ends well...we have been home for almost two weeks now...and my new laptop is working great.
Anyway...CW is participating in the after 4 program at his school. He is (well was) in the theatre program that was putting on the musical "The Sound of Music". So he needed a costume. So while we were in Florida, we searched high and low for cheap dress pants, dress shirt, a bow tie, and a German WW2 looking hat (WTF??) yeah we didn't know either.... Anyway...the pants and shirt were not too hard to find, and we found a hat that we thought was suitable...but the bow tie? Not so much...we searched high and low, and couldn't not find anything less than $45 which I was not going to spend on a fancy bow tie that my son would likely wear only once....
Anyway...when we got home, my dad said that he had one!! Nevermind the fact that he was in the room when we were discussing where could we possibly get one...didn't think to mention that he had one we could use. So we had the costume. Shortly after we got back to Toronto and CW went back to school, they had a dress rehearsal for the play. You know..the type of dress rehearsal where you are supposed to wear your costume? Well CW refused adamately, saying he had the stupidest costume and he didn't like his lines and he no longer wanted to be in the play. I was hoping maybe when he actually got to the rehearsal he'd get over it...but well...CW is pretty stubborn...and he refused to wear his costume or participate in the rehearsal in any way.
I was torn - half of me was like "maybe he has stage fright and is nervous, I shouldn't push him" it's not like he had a huge part. But the other half was like "he can't just rehearse for 10 weeks and bail on the whole cast at the last minute, he made a committment to this (and I paid way too much money)" So anyway I just let it go and hoped by play day he'd change his mind.
The night before the play, CW was still adamant that he didn't want to be in the play. I tried telling him he'd be letting people down and committment and blah blah blah...but he wasn't having any of it. I told him he could tell the director himself (hoping she'd talk him into it the next day) I did email the director and told her that we may have a problem and she said she'd see what she could do and was she allowed to bribe him with chocolate...and I said of course, do what you need to do.
So play day, yesterday, arrived. They were to do the show twice, once during the school day for the whole school and once later for anyone who wanted to come. I decided to go to the later show, but told the director I'd have my cell phone in case of disaster. Play time rolled around and I didn't hear anything...so I was hoping no news was good news. I showed up for the second show and the other kids told me that not only had CW been in the play, but he had been great! Shortly before the show started CW came running up all excited and asked me if I was going to watch the show!!! I told him how proud of him I was and how excited I was to see him in action. Of course...the costume was still not on. So he played a WW2 black tie party goer in a T-shirt and jeans with his blue winter boots....but hey, he was in the play!!!
Afterwards he was thrilled and I told him how proud I was of him. Then he started talking about how he wants to be on TV. I told him...maybe...but that he'd have to learn to wear whatever they wanted and say his lines even if he didn't feel like it. I think he'll have to think about that one for a while!
******
Today...my BABY AK turned 4 years old!!! We had her party on the weekend. It was a little mermaid extravaganza thanks to Ariel....who showed up to sing and play with the kids!!! AK is OBSESSED with little mermaid so she couldn't have been more thrilled! After songs and playing, AK and all the girls got their makeup done, and the boys got tattoos. Then the presents!!! CW was not thrilled because for his birthday he didn't get many presents because he chose to have a sleepover with only 3 guests ...whereas AK had about 15 kids...but I sort of saw that coming and picked up a small toy for him. I know he needs to learn that he won't always get gifts when she does....but this didn't seem like a good time for that lesson.
I still can't believe she is really 4. And my baby is getting so big!
*****
In other news....CW's behaviour...well we're still having issues because really we're in a bit of a holding pattern right now. The agency that assessed him is supposed to get back to us with some sort of timeline for next steps. But right before the holidays isn't really a good time for anyone so I will follow up with them in early Jan. In the meantime, I read the book "your defiant child" and am trying to convince everyone who interacts with CW to read it too. We have started using some of their strategies and so far so good, but it's only day 2. I think the kicker though - is that it is a LOT of work for US to follow this program and I really hope that WE can stick to it. It's basically a reward system - which we have tried many times to little avail. Only this one is really specific. I made a big chart that shows specific tasks or behaviours that earn poker chips, and then below that is another chart that shows what priviledges those chips can be redeemed for. Some fo the rewards are small things that can be achieved daily, and some are larger and the chips need to be accumulated over a longer period of time to earn.
But even in these two days, CW has shown a real interest in earning chips - and moreso spending them. He has gone upstairs and taken a shower and gotten into his PJ's all by himself which is very impressive, along with other tasks like brushing his teeth when asked once. The other issues though - with his explosiveness and aggressive behaviour towards us and his sister will need more work. But we are hoping that if we can keep up with this positive reinforcement - of EVERY little good thing he does at least for the time being - he'll start to see the benefits of behaving well, and maybe it will become the norm rather than the exception. Here's hoping that he can change his automatic impulses from aggressive to....well not so aggressive. Here's hoping that he's able to think before he acts - that's the biggie....crossing my fingers.
Anyway...CW is participating in the after 4 program at his school. He is (well was) in the theatre program that was putting on the musical "The Sound of Music". So he needed a costume. So while we were in Florida, we searched high and low for cheap dress pants, dress shirt, a bow tie, and a German WW2 looking hat (WTF??) yeah we didn't know either.... Anyway...the pants and shirt were not too hard to find, and we found a hat that we thought was suitable...but the bow tie? Not so much...we searched high and low, and couldn't not find anything less than $45 which I was not going to spend on a fancy bow tie that my son would likely wear only once....
Anyway...when we got home, my dad said that he had one!! Nevermind the fact that he was in the room when we were discussing where could we possibly get one...didn't think to mention that he had one we could use. So we had the costume. Shortly after we got back to Toronto and CW went back to school, they had a dress rehearsal for the play. You know..the type of dress rehearsal where you are supposed to wear your costume? Well CW refused adamately, saying he had the stupidest costume and he didn't like his lines and he no longer wanted to be in the play. I was hoping maybe when he actually got to the rehearsal he'd get over it...but well...CW is pretty stubborn...and he refused to wear his costume or participate in the rehearsal in any way.
I was torn - half of me was like "maybe he has stage fright and is nervous, I shouldn't push him" it's not like he had a huge part. But the other half was like "he can't just rehearse for 10 weeks and bail on the whole cast at the last minute, he made a committment to this (and I paid way too much money)" So anyway I just let it go and hoped by play day he'd change his mind.
The night before the play, CW was still adamant that he didn't want to be in the play. I tried telling him he'd be letting people down and committment and blah blah blah...but he wasn't having any of it. I told him he could tell the director himself (hoping she'd talk him into it the next day) I did email the director and told her that we may have a problem and she said she'd see what she could do and was she allowed to bribe him with chocolate...and I said of course, do what you need to do.
So play day, yesterday, arrived. They were to do the show twice, once during the school day for the whole school and once later for anyone who wanted to come. I decided to go to the later show, but told the director I'd have my cell phone in case of disaster. Play time rolled around and I didn't hear anything...so I was hoping no news was good news. I showed up for the second show and the other kids told me that not only had CW been in the play, but he had been great! Shortly before the show started CW came running up all excited and asked me if I was going to watch the show!!! I told him how proud of him I was and how excited I was to see him in action. Of course...the costume was still not on. So he played a WW2 black tie party goer in a T-shirt and jeans with his blue winter boots....but hey, he was in the play!!!
Afterwards he was thrilled and I told him how proud I was of him. Then he started talking about how he wants to be on TV. I told him...maybe...but that he'd have to learn to wear whatever they wanted and say his lines even if he didn't feel like it. I think he'll have to think about that one for a while!
******
Today...my BABY AK turned 4 years old!!! We had her party on the weekend. It was a little mermaid extravaganza thanks to Ariel....who showed up to sing and play with the kids!!! AK is OBSESSED with little mermaid so she couldn't have been more thrilled! After songs and playing, AK and all the girls got their makeup done, and the boys got tattoos. Then the presents!!! CW was not thrilled because for his birthday he didn't get many presents because he chose to have a sleepover with only 3 guests ...whereas AK had about 15 kids...but I sort of saw that coming and picked up a small toy for him. I know he needs to learn that he won't always get gifts when she does....but this didn't seem like a good time for that lesson.
I still can't believe she is really 4. And my baby is getting so big!
*****
In other news....CW's behaviour...well we're still having issues because really we're in a bit of a holding pattern right now. The agency that assessed him is supposed to get back to us with some sort of timeline for next steps. But right before the holidays isn't really a good time for anyone so I will follow up with them in early Jan. In the meantime, I read the book "your defiant child" and am trying to convince everyone who interacts with CW to read it too. We have started using some of their strategies and so far so good, but it's only day 2. I think the kicker though - is that it is a LOT of work for US to follow this program and I really hope that WE can stick to it. It's basically a reward system - which we have tried many times to little avail. Only this one is really specific. I made a big chart that shows specific tasks or behaviours that earn poker chips, and then below that is another chart that shows what priviledges those chips can be redeemed for. Some fo the rewards are small things that can be achieved daily, and some are larger and the chips need to be accumulated over a longer period of time to earn.
But even in these two days, CW has shown a real interest in earning chips - and moreso spending them. He has gone upstairs and taken a shower and gotten into his PJ's all by himself which is very impressive, along with other tasks like brushing his teeth when asked once. The other issues though - with his explosiveness and aggressive behaviour towards us and his sister will need more work. But we are hoping that if we can keep up with this positive reinforcement - of EVERY little good thing he does at least for the time being - he'll start to see the benefits of behaving well, and maybe it will become the norm rather than the exception. Here's hoping that he can change his automatic impulses from aggressive to....well not so aggressive. Here's hoping that he's able to think before he acts - that's the biggie....crossing my fingers.
Friday, December 4, 2009
A break from reality, yes, but a vacation? Not so much...
We're nearing the end of our brief "vacation" at my parents place in Deerfield Beach, Florida. I put the word "vacation" in quotes, because well, post kids...it just doesn't feel like quite the right word. BK (before kids) the word "vacation" conjured up images of lounging by a pool or beach, drink and trashy novel in hand, with not a care in the world save for when and what to have for dinner or when is it time to take a dip in the pool to cool off. Now? Well...that vision doesn't quite apply.
Thankfully I can report that CW is reaching the stage in his swimming ability where if it was just him it might actually be feasible to lounge poolside, but of course while maintaining a vigilant eye on him and be ready to jump in fully clothed should he have any trouble. And while it's nice to have the ability to be poolside at all, having to be that vigilant doesn't allow for much relaxation. And also...well that would be in the situation where only CW was present and wanted to go swimming, which of course, is rarely the case...since whatever her big bro is doing, AK wants to do too. She unfortunately is not at a level in her swimming where you don't have to be IN the pool with her within arms' length at all times. Which requires actually getting wet and staying in the pool for MUCH longer than I'd usually prefer. Not that I'm complaining...not at all. I am enjoying being in the warm weather with my family...it's just not relaxing or rejuvinating exactly, just sayin'
In addition to the swimming in the pool, we've been to the beach, been to Gumbo Limbo, a nearby nature reserve that is just the right size for the kids and AK and the huz went to Butterfly World where they were able to see lots of butterflies and birds up close. We've also done lots of shopping and eating at my favourite South of the border but not available in Canada places including Target, Macy's, Nordstrom, JC Penney, Cold Stone Creamery, California Pizza Kitchen, Olive Garden and PF Chang's. The only one of my favourites we haven't hit yet is Sonic and there's still one more day lol. Some days I think I'd really love to move here to South Florida....I could really get used to no winter and all this great stuff so cheap and all this good food....Oh but wait. I'd be 1000 pounds and oh no OHIP...so for now I think I'll stick to visiting. Often. Thankfully we are fortunate to have parents with a free place for us to stay!
Anyway....CW's behaviour while on vacation...well he's had good days and bad days, same as at home I guess. We have been trying the "poker chip" strategy that I read about in the book Your Defiant Child, and when we actually manage to follow through with rewarding every single minute instance of remotely good behaviour he actually seems somewhat motivated. Yesterday we told him if he had 10 poker chips left at the end of the day he would earn 15 minutes of Nintendo DS playing. He did it, but then when he got his reward he had a huge meltdown because I only brought one game with us to Florida and it wasn't the one he had been looking forward to playing. Ugh. Not a good way to end what was supposed to be a happy rewarding moment for him. Anyway...he eventually calmed down and played his game and all seemed right with the world. Unfortunately today he woke up on the wrong side of the bed and only earned two poker chips after a string of meltdowns and rudeness that left us shaking our heads. Here's hoping tomorrow he flips back so at least his last day in Florida might be a good one!
But the poker chip thing? Is a LOT of work. But then I guess good parenting IS a lot of work and that's the thing you have to accept. It's up to YOU, the grownups - to a large extent because what YOU do affects your child in such a large way. Not that I didn't know that, but I guess sometimes it just hits you in the face just to make sure you're paying attention.
But I promised to try to be more glass half full so here goes. This morning both kids had a swimming lesson and they were AWESOME! CW can actually swim for real! His back crawl rocks, his front crawl is pretty good too, and he can do a mean canonball. And it was a lot of fun to actually dive for weighted toys with him in the pool. AK who has never until now actually had any formal swimming lessons other than at school where there are like 20 other kids in the pool at the same time, did amazing too. While she was pretty apprehensive, she learned a lot in her 4 lessons, and my hope is if she has another string of lessons when we are back here in March, she'll be well on her way to actually swimming by the time she finishes summer camp next July.
So tomorrow is the last day of our "vacation" and then it's back to reality. Oh and back to school and my new laptop since mine died right in the middle of class last week. Nice. Thankfully my mom bought it for me as my Xmas gift since she said she didn't know what to get me, and there were still some awesome post Cyber Monday sales on here in the good ole US of A! Thanks Mom, you are the best!! So tomorrow, we hope to do some more "relaxing" by the pool...and eating...and maybe even a last minute Tarjay run :)
Thankfully I can report that CW is reaching the stage in his swimming ability where if it was just him it might actually be feasible to lounge poolside, but of course while maintaining a vigilant eye on him and be ready to jump in fully clothed should he have any trouble. And while it's nice to have the ability to be poolside at all, having to be that vigilant doesn't allow for much relaxation. And also...well that would be in the situation where only CW was present and wanted to go swimming, which of course, is rarely the case...since whatever her big bro is doing, AK wants to do too. She unfortunately is not at a level in her swimming where you don't have to be IN the pool with her within arms' length at all times. Which requires actually getting wet and staying in the pool for MUCH longer than I'd usually prefer. Not that I'm complaining...not at all. I am enjoying being in the warm weather with my family...it's just not relaxing or rejuvinating exactly, just sayin'
In addition to the swimming in the pool, we've been to the beach, been to Gumbo Limbo, a nearby nature reserve that is just the right size for the kids and AK and the huz went to Butterfly World where they were able to see lots of butterflies and birds up close. We've also done lots of shopping and eating at my favourite South of the border but not available in Canada places including Target, Macy's, Nordstrom, JC Penney, Cold Stone Creamery, California Pizza Kitchen, Olive Garden and PF Chang's. The only one of my favourites we haven't hit yet is Sonic and there's still one more day lol. Some days I think I'd really love to move here to South Florida....I could really get used to no winter and all this great stuff so cheap and all this good food....Oh but wait. I'd be 1000 pounds and oh no OHIP...so for now I think I'll stick to visiting. Often. Thankfully we are fortunate to have parents with a free place for us to stay!
Anyway....CW's behaviour while on vacation...well he's had good days and bad days, same as at home I guess. We have been trying the "poker chip" strategy that I read about in the book Your Defiant Child, and when we actually manage to follow through with rewarding every single minute instance of remotely good behaviour he actually seems somewhat motivated. Yesterday we told him if he had 10 poker chips left at the end of the day he would earn 15 minutes of Nintendo DS playing. He did it, but then when he got his reward he had a huge meltdown because I only brought one game with us to Florida and it wasn't the one he had been looking forward to playing. Ugh. Not a good way to end what was supposed to be a happy rewarding moment for him. Anyway...he eventually calmed down and played his game and all seemed right with the world. Unfortunately today he woke up on the wrong side of the bed and only earned two poker chips after a string of meltdowns and rudeness that left us shaking our heads. Here's hoping tomorrow he flips back so at least his last day in Florida might be a good one!
But the poker chip thing? Is a LOT of work. But then I guess good parenting IS a lot of work and that's the thing you have to accept. It's up to YOU, the grownups - to a large extent because what YOU do affects your child in such a large way. Not that I didn't know that, but I guess sometimes it just hits you in the face just to make sure you're paying attention.
But I promised to try to be more glass half full so here goes. This morning both kids had a swimming lesson and they were AWESOME! CW can actually swim for real! His back crawl rocks, his front crawl is pretty good too, and he can do a mean canonball. And it was a lot of fun to actually dive for weighted toys with him in the pool. AK who has never until now actually had any formal swimming lessons other than at school where there are like 20 other kids in the pool at the same time, did amazing too. While she was pretty apprehensive, she learned a lot in her 4 lessons, and my hope is if she has another string of lessons when we are back here in March, she'll be well on her way to actually swimming by the time she finishes summer camp next July.
So tomorrow is the last day of our "vacation" and then it's back to reality. Oh and back to school and my new laptop since mine died right in the middle of class last week. Nice. Thankfully my mom bought it for me as my Xmas gift since she said she didn't know what to get me, and there were still some awesome post Cyber Monday sales on here in the good ole US of A! Thanks Mom, you are the best!! So tomorrow, we hope to do some more "relaxing" by the pool...and eating...and maybe even a last minute Tarjay run :)
Monday, November 30, 2009
I wish I wrote this
While I'm still smarting from some blogger drama, I'm really trying to move on. But, I just had to share this. I think it is brilliant and I wish I'd written it myself.
A brilliant Article in the Globe and Mail
'Nuff said.
A brilliant Article in the Globe and Mail
'Nuff said.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
A weekend of (some) fun with CW
Yesterday morning I dropped the huz and AK at the airport as they were leaving for Florida to visit my parents. CW and I will be heading there too on Tuesday AM...thanks to an exam that I had to write for one of my classes. But there were a few other reasons I thought that spending a few days with just CW would be good for him, well both of us actually.
If you've been reading, you'll know that we've been having some issues with CW and his behaviour of late. All the reading I've been doing - the Spirited Child, The Explosive Child, Your Defiant Child...all describe in some form or another, that in order to encourage good behaviour from a difficult child, you need to be sure to spend some quality time with them every day.
Of course I try to make as much of our time together quality always, but the books describe this time as unstructured, child centred...where they are the boss. No questions, criticism or rules are involved - unless the child makes them up. This isn't as easy as it sounds - even for 15 or 20 minutes...it is so hard to resist the temptation to take charge and insist that things be done a certain way, (well who are we kidding, MY way, for a control freak like myself). As soon as AK and the huz were safely deposited at the terminal, we came home and I asked CW what he wanted to do. We had some fun playing around the house and it was actually kind of nice.
However...as soon as we needed to go pick something up at my parents place that my dad needed us to bring with us on Tuesday, well things started to go downhill. CW just did not want to go. I promised him rewards, but he wasn't having any of it. I threatened punishments. He didn't care. Finally after asking him repeatedly to put on his shoes and coat and getting no response, I picked him up and threw him into the car with no shoes or coat and hit the road. Thankfully he didn't even have to get out of the car when we got to my parents place! Of course when we returned home he thought he deserved all the rewards I'd attempted to promise him in return for his co-operation with getting out the door! When I explained that he wasn't getting them because he never did put his shoes on and co-operate...well all bets were off for...pretty much the rest of the day.
After that point he didn't want to do anything. Didn't want to go to his dance class. Finally got him to go there, but then he wouldn't wear his shoes. Got him in the room but he wouldn't get up off the floor. Finally he participated for maybe the last 10 minutes of the class, but grudgingly. Overall it was generally not a good afternoon. And I admit to not handling it as well as I should have. You see I was so desperate to have CW enjoy a weekend of "mommy and CW" time, that I pretty much caved even when he wasn't doing as I asked. I tried threatening not to go to the movies as I'd promised if he wouldn't co-operate, but then even when he didn't I couldn't fathom what else we could do for the afternoon without both of us going crazy...so even though his behaviour had been disastrous, I took him anyway. I'm a sucker, and he knows it.
Thankfully though, he enjoyed the movie - Fantastic Mr Fox, and was much calmer afterwards. Enough so that we enjoyed dinner together at a deli before heading home. But after putting him to bed, I vowed to stick to my guns from now on or how can I ever expect him to believe me when I make threats or promises? But boy. It's HARD.
Today, it's like he woke up a new kid. I think as parents we sometimes forget that kids can have good days and bad days just like the rest of us. Sometimes they are just moody. The thing is though, we have to teach them that being in a bad mood is okay, it's not okay to behave badly because of it.
Anyway, fortunately for both of us today was a much better day. CW woke up early, but he quietly turned on his light and read a book so I could sleep in until the civilized hour of 7:30am! And even then he was content to read in his room while I showered and dressed. We had breakfast and went to his trampoline class. After that, I took him over to a friend's house for a playdate so I could get some school work done, and so he could see one of his best friends for a few hours. After that, we went and picked up some more xmas decorations and came home and sprayed some fake snow on the windows while getting dinner ready. Other than the fact that my snow reindeer looks much more like a lumpy moose...it went really well. We then had a nice dinner and hung out and did some of CW's homework. And now he's relaxing in front of the TV as a reward for being so well behaved today.
Yesterday I had some doubts about whether it was really fair on my part to keep CW home with me and shorten his trip to Florida. But after today I think it definitely was - he got some one on one with me - and also some time apart from his sister which I think was appreciated as well. I wish every day could be this good. Not sure what I can do to make that happen. But I'm working on figuring that out!
If you've been reading, you'll know that we've been having some issues with CW and his behaviour of late. All the reading I've been doing - the Spirited Child, The Explosive Child, Your Defiant Child...all describe in some form or another, that in order to encourage good behaviour from a difficult child, you need to be sure to spend some quality time with them every day.
Of course I try to make as much of our time together quality always, but the books describe this time as unstructured, child centred...where they are the boss. No questions, criticism or rules are involved - unless the child makes them up. This isn't as easy as it sounds - even for 15 or 20 minutes...it is so hard to resist the temptation to take charge and insist that things be done a certain way, (well who are we kidding, MY way, for a control freak like myself). As soon as AK and the huz were safely deposited at the terminal, we came home and I asked CW what he wanted to do. We had some fun playing around the house and it was actually kind of nice.
However...as soon as we needed to go pick something up at my parents place that my dad needed us to bring with us on Tuesday, well things started to go downhill. CW just did not want to go. I promised him rewards, but he wasn't having any of it. I threatened punishments. He didn't care. Finally after asking him repeatedly to put on his shoes and coat and getting no response, I picked him up and threw him into the car with no shoes or coat and hit the road. Thankfully he didn't even have to get out of the car when we got to my parents place! Of course when we returned home he thought he deserved all the rewards I'd attempted to promise him in return for his co-operation with getting out the door! When I explained that he wasn't getting them because he never did put his shoes on and co-operate...well all bets were off for...pretty much the rest of the day.
After that point he didn't want to do anything. Didn't want to go to his dance class. Finally got him to go there, but then he wouldn't wear his shoes. Got him in the room but he wouldn't get up off the floor. Finally he participated for maybe the last 10 minutes of the class, but grudgingly. Overall it was generally not a good afternoon. And I admit to not handling it as well as I should have. You see I was so desperate to have CW enjoy a weekend of "mommy and CW" time, that I pretty much caved even when he wasn't doing as I asked. I tried threatening not to go to the movies as I'd promised if he wouldn't co-operate, but then even when he didn't I couldn't fathom what else we could do for the afternoon without both of us going crazy...so even though his behaviour had been disastrous, I took him anyway. I'm a sucker, and he knows it.
Thankfully though, he enjoyed the movie - Fantastic Mr Fox, and was much calmer afterwards. Enough so that we enjoyed dinner together at a deli before heading home. But after putting him to bed, I vowed to stick to my guns from now on or how can I ever expect him to believe me when I make threats or promises? But boy. It's HARD.
Today, it's like he woke up a new kid. I think as parents we sometimes forget that kids can have good days and bad days just like the rest of us. Sometimes they are just moody. The thing is though, we have to teach them that being in a bad mood is okay, it's not okay to behave badly because of it.
Anyway, fortunately for both of us today was a much better day. CW woke up early, but he quietly turned on his light and read a book so I could sleep in until the civilized hour of 7:30am! And even then he was content to read in his room while I showered and dressed. We had breakfast and went to his trampoline class. After that, I took him over to a friend's house for a playdate so I could get some school work done, and so he could see one of his best friends for a few hours. After that, we went and picked up some more xmas decorations and came home and sprayed some fake snow on the windows while getting dinner ready. Other than the fact that my snow reindeer looks much more like a lumpy moose...it went really well. We then had a nice dinner and hung out and did some of CW's homework. And now he's relaxing in front of the TV as a reward for being so well behaved today.
Yesterday I had some doubts about whether it was really fair on my part to keep CW home with me and shorten his trip to Florida. But after today I think it definitely was - he got some one on one with me - and also some time apart from his sister which I think was appreciated as well. I wish every day could be this good. Not sure what I can do to make that happen. But I'm working on figuring that out!
Friday, November 27, 2009
A touch of perspective, or a lot
Just when you feel like you're about to be swallowed up in a mile long to do list and a whole host of petty problems, something happens that shows you, really, it could be a lot worse, and you should really buck up and appreciate what you have.
Today, it was the loss of a friend. A friend who I had never actually met in person, but felt closer to than some of my IRL friends. I had "known" this person online for almost 8 years as we both belonged to a wonderful online community called "the Nov/Dec 2002 playgroup" when we were all pregnant with our firstborns. Her and I were the only Canadians in the group with other members spanning the United States.
The members of our close knit group shared stories of pregnancy, childbirth and then all the trials and tribulations of life with a newborn. Then our newborns became toddlers, then preschoolers and kindergarteners, and fast forward to today when we all have our big kids - in 1st and 2nd grade, and some of us with 2nd, 3rd and even 4th borns as well. My friend was one of those who went on to have a second child. And now those two kids will have to grow up without their mother. It's just so tragic I don't know what else to say.
Not that this deserves to happen to anyone, but my friend was the kindest, most considerate and caring person out there, and she will be dearly missed by all who knew her, in person and online. If anyone had a problem, big or small, or just needed a shoulder, she was there with helpful advice and a big heart. And while our group has been somewhat quieter in recent months, her presence will be greatly missed by all of us in our little community. I don't have all the sad details, but from what I hear, she went from being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer earlier this week, to passing away this morning, all within the span of a few days. I can't imagine the shock and grief that her husband, children, friends and family must be feeling.
Upon hearing this horribly sad news, I was instantly reminded of how lucky I am to have my family and friends, and that they are all healthy. My problems all of a sudden seem insignificant and unworthy of the amount of stress they have been causing me. Once I am over the initial shock and grief of this horrible news, I'm avowing myself to really make an attempt to adopt a much more glass half full attitude, because really, my glass is way more than half full right now. That is the way my dear friend looked at life, and that is the way she will be remembered.
Today, it was the loss of a friend. A friend who I had never actually met in person, but felt closer to than some of my IRL friends. I had "known" this person online for almost 8 years as we both belonged to a wonderful online community called "the Nov/Dec 2002 playgroup" when we were all pregnant with our firstborns. Her and I were the only Canadians in the group with other members spanning the United States.
The members of our close knit group shared stories of pregnancy, childbirth and then all the trials and tribulations of life with a newborn. Then our newborns became toddlers, then preschoolers and kindergarteners, and fast forward to today when we all have our big kids - in 1st and 2nd grade, and some of us with 2nd, 3rd and even 4th borns as well. My friend was one of those who went on to have a second child. And now those two kids will have to grow up without their mother. It's just so tragic I don't know what else to say.
Not that this deserves to happen to anyone, but my friend was the kindest, most considerate and caring person out there, and she will be dearly missed by all who knew her, in person and online. If anyone had a problem, big or small, or just needed a shoulder, she was there with helpful advice and a big heart. And while our group has been somewhat quieter in recent months, her presence will be greatly missed by all of us in our little community. I don't have all the sad details, but from what I hear, she went from being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer earlier this week, to passing away this morning, all within the span of a few days. I can't imagine the shock and grief that her husband, children, friends and family must be feeling.
Upon hearing this horribly sad news, I was instantly reminded of how lucky I am to have my family and friends, and that they are all healthy. My problems all of a sudden seem insignificant and unworthy of the amount of stress they have been causing me. Once I am over the initial shock and grief of this horrible news, I'm avowing myself to really make an attempt to adopt a much more glass half full attitude, because really, my glass is way more than half full right now. That is the way my dear friend looked at life, and that is the way she will be remembered.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The long road to somewhere...I hope
Today I picked up CW at lunch time to take him to his assessment by an agency that provides assistance to families in the form of behaviour and other therapies. The funny thing is, when I arrived at the school to get him, the daycare teacher in the room where he was eating lunch told me that he was having a particularly good day and was exceptionally good at lunch!
I knew my son was a smart cookie...I had told him I would be picking him up early to take him to see some people who would talk to him and help him not feel so angry all the time and help him get along better with people. I guess maybe he thought if he was well behaved today he wouldn't have to go? I don't know if he really made that connection...but it was amusing nonetheless. Although if there's any day I actually wanted him to be in one of his "moods" it was today, in hopes that the people we were meeting would see a tantrum in full force and see how much we really need their help!
Anyway, off we went via subway downtown where he was a perfect gentleman. He held my hand, did as he was told, and we even stopped at Starbucks for a snack for him and tea for mommy! And the kicker is, that when he was told that they were all out of rice crispie squares, instead of melting down like he almost always does when he can't have his way, he simply said "ok, I'll have banana bread instead" I was all "who are you and what have you done with my son?" But in a good way! So off we went and we arrived a little early so we sat in the waiting area where they had a chalkboard. He proceeded to do some really great drawing...and MATH!!! WTF??? I've never seen him voluntarily do math? Uh...maybe we need a chalkboard at home? Who knows...but it was weird with a capital W!
Finally it was time for our appointment. The therapist came out and commented on how much she liked his drawings. We went into an interview room where they had one of those one way mirrors just like on Law and Order (and I'm sure lots of other places, I've just never seen it IRL before). There were more therapists behind the mirror observing, and we were taken to meet them first. Then as the therapist asked questions, CW coloured on another chalkboard, coloured on paper, and then found a ball to play with. Granted, he couldn't sit still for 5 seconds, and mumbled short mostly "I don't know" answers to almost every question asked...but really? From looking at him you'd never think this was the same kid who's been combattive, defiant and getting into all kinds of trouble with hitting, biting and kicking, oh that and the rudeness and backtalk that is pretty much standard issue in our house.
We talked about the issues with the therapist and the reasons that we were there, and what we hoped to get out of this. But really? I have no idea how from seeing that interaction...there is any way they are going to see how much we need their help! But here's hoping they that since they know much more than I do...that they can read between the lines and know that we wouldn't be there unless things were much worse at other times! I just hope that they don't put him on an interminable wait list because I really want to help him the sooner, the better.
I fear for how this behaviour is beginning to effect him and his interactions with others. I worry about if he'll keep the friendships that he has if he keeps treating people the way he does. Anyway...right now it's a waiting game because the ball is in their court.
In the meantime, it was recommended that I read Your Defiant Child, and so far, it is describing CW to a T. I'm only through the first half of the book so far which describes why kids are sometimes defiant. The second half, which I hope to get through soon, is supposed to cover how to begin to change this behaviour for the better. I'm hoping that I can also get my husband to read this book because without his support, it ain't gonna fly. Also I hate always having to say "well the book said..." like I'm some kind of expert...he has to read it himself. Unfortunately...the huz doesn't like to read much ...but I'm working on him.
I knew my son was a smart cookie...I had told him I would be picking him up early to take him to see some people who would talk to him and help him not feel so angry all the time and help him get along better with people. I guess maybe he thought if he was well behaved today he wouldn't have to go? I don't know if he really made that connection...but it was amusing nonetheless. Although if there's any day I actually wanted him to be in one of his "moods" it was today, in hopes that the people we were meeting would see a tantrum in full force and see how much we really need their help!
Anyway, off we went via subway downtown where he was a perfect gentleman. He held my hand, did as he was told, and we even stopped at Starbucks for a snack for him and tea for mommy! And the kicker is, that when he was told that they were all out of rice crispie squares, instead of melting down like he almost always does when he can't have his way, he simply said "ok, I'll have banana bread instead" I was all "who are you and what have you done with my son?" But in a good way! So off we went and we arrived a little early so we sat in the waiting area where they had a chalkboard. He proceeded to do some really great drawing...and MATH!!! WTF??? I've never seen him voluntarily do math? Uh...maybe we need a chalkboard at home? Who knows...but it was weird with a capital W!
Finally it was time for our appointment. The therapist came out and commented on how much she liked his drawings. We went into an interview room where they had one of those one way mirrors just like on Law and Order (and I'm sure lots of other places, I've just never seen it IRL before). There were more therapists behind the mirror observing, and we were taken to meet them first. Then as the therapist asked questions, CW coloured on another chalkboard, coloured on paper, and then found a ball to play with. Granted, he couldn't sit still for 5 seconds, and mumbled short mostly "I don't know" answers to almost every question asked...but really? From looking at him you'd never think this was the same kid who's been combattive, defiant and getting into all kinds of trouble with hitting, biting and kicking, oh that and the rudeness and backtalk that is pretty much standard issue in our house.
We talked about the issues with the therapist and the reasons that we were there, and what we hoped to get out of this. But really? I have no idea how from seeing that interaction...there is any way they are going to see how much we need their help! But here's hoping they that since they know much more than I do...that they can read between the lines and know that we wouldn't be there unless things were much worse at other times! I just hope that they don't put him on an interminable wait list because I really want to help him the sooner, the better.
I fear for how this behaviour is beginning to effect him and his interactions with others. I worry about if he'll keep the friendships that he has if he keeps treating people the way he does. Anyway...right now it's a waiting game because the ball is in their court.
In the meantime, it was recommended that I read Your Defiant Child, and so far, it is describing CW to a T. I'm only through the first half of the book so far which describes why kids are sometimes defiant. The second half, which I hope to get through soon, is supposed to cover how to begin to change this behaviour for the better. I'm hoping that I can also get my husband to read this book because without his support, it ain't gonna fly. Also I hate always having to say "well the book said..." like I'm some kind of expert...he has to read it himself. Unfortunately...the huz doesn't like to read much ...but I'm working on him.
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